Siriusly!
by hpaddictedg
Summary: Sirius Black is a highly disturbed person. He’s also a highly dead person, as it turns out, but that’s beside the point. Series of vignettes about everyone’s favorite dog-man-person-thing. Chapter 24 up; Sirius reveals a rather disturbing secret.
1. Sirius Black Hates the Third Harry Potte

**Sirius-ly!**

_Summary: Sirius Black is a highly disturbed person.  He's also a highly **dead** person, as it turns out, but that's beside the point.  Series of vignettes about everyone's favorite dog-man-person-thing._

**_Disclaimer: I don't own anyone mentioned in this "story".  _**

_A/N: For **SiriusLoverForLife**; let's all hope these idiotic stories inspire her to write her Pirates of the Caribbean songfic faster._

_I hope you all can continue to take my angst stories seriously after reading this.  _

_Partly-modeled after **Sarah Noble**'s Snape vignettes.  _

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter One: Sirius Black Hates the Third Harry Potter Movie**

            "That was absolute _rubbish_!" Sirius declared angrily, exiting the movie theatre with Remus.  "Whoever it was that played me looked like a bad Johnny Depp-knockoff; couldn't they have cast me better?"

            "It's just a _movie_, Sirius," Remus sighed.  "Besides, we _knew _the movie was going to suck, what with the new director and all." 

            "I _know_," Sirius replied angstily, "I just didn't expect it to suck so _badly_!  I mean, I was counting on a cheesy ending and the director completely avoiding canon, but I didn't think he'd cast me so _horribly_!"

            "You forgot to mention my werewolf form," Lupin added, deciding that resistance was futile and Sirius wouldn't shut up until he added something.  "I looked like a **_skin_**wolf!  I heard the little girls who were sitting in front of us laughing at me!"

            "Oh, yeah; they _were_ laughing at you, weren't they?" Sirius chuckled, much to Remus's dismay.

            "You're supposed to sympathize with me, you **git**!" Remus snapped angrily.  Sirius, however, wasn't listening; he was too busy sniggering with the little girls who had been sitting in front of them.


	2. Sirius Black Loves Laura

**Chapter Two: Sirius Black Loves…_Laura_?!**

            "I _love _Sirius," Laura, one day, said to her friend Ellen.

            "He's _dead_," Ellen pointed out.  "Plus, he's not real; he's just a character in a book."

            "Well," Laura replied angrily, "so is _Draco_…"

            "HE'S REAL, DAMNIT!" Ellen fumed, scaring several small children in the process.  Suddenly, in an attempt to make sure that this chapter did not get flamed for being a badly-written self-insertion, Sirius Black appeared out of nowhere.

            "Hello," he said. 

            "He's real; see?" Laura asked haughtily, pointing at said man.  Ellen just rolled her eyes and looked away.

            "Are you Laura?" Sirius asked. 

            "Yes, I am, in fact," Laura replied giddily. 

            "Want to marry me?" Sirius asked devilishly. 

            "YES!" Laura shrieked.  Suddenly, she awoke-it had all been a dream.

            "Damnit," Laura muttered angrily.  "He _is _real, no matter what my subconscious tells me."

            "No, I'm not," Sirius replied from out of nowhere.  Laura was never the same again.


	3. Sirius Black Doesn't Love Remus Lupin

**Chapter Three: Sirius Black Doesn't Love Remus Lupin**

            "Really, I don't," Sirius declared, in reference to the title of this chapter.  "If he was a hot chick, I might love him, but, as it turns out, he's _not_."

            "Hey!" Remus snapped.  "So what if I'm not a hot chick?  Just because I'm a man, you say you don't love me?"

            "No," Sirius said uncomfortably.  "Not like…_that_, you know?"

            "Like _that_?" Remus repeated.

            "Yes," Sirius clarified, "like _that_.  Some people think I do." 

            "Oh," Remus replied.  There was an uncomfortable silence for a few moments, and then-

            "Like _what_?"


	4. Sirius Black Wears a Thong

**Chapter Four: Sirius Black Wears a Thong**

            "No, I do not!" Sirius exclaimed angrily.

            "Then what was that slinky black thing I found under your bed last weekend?" Remus asked suspiciously. 

            "Oh, _that_," Sirius replied, embarrassed.  "It was…my mother's; yeah.  Hers."

            "Why was your _mother's _thong under your bed?" Remus questioned.  Sirius blushed.


	5. Sirius Black Watches ‘Kenny vs Spenny’

**Chapter Five: Sirius Watches 'Kenny vs. Spenny'**

            "You know," Remus said to his friend, who was sitting beside him on the couch, "Kenny reminds me of you, Sirius.  I mean, you both cheat at just about everything-"

            "Hey," Sirius interjected, "I do not!"

            "What about that chess game last night?" Remus pointed out.  "And the Slytherin versus Gryffindor Quidditch match in our fourth year, and that one Potions exam…"

            "Okay, _fine_," Sirius snapped, "I cheat at things."

            "Also," Remus continued, "Kenny does weird things, like the time he shot off the Roman Candles in the shower.  You would probably do that, I think."

            "What're 'Roman Candles'?" Sirius asked, confused.  Remus rolled his eyes.

            "I'm sexier than Kenny, though," Sirius said, after a moment's pause.

            "I really don't want to think of you being 'sexy'," Remus shuddered.

            "I _am_!" Sirius insisted.  "I don't like his hair.  He looks better with the glasses on, too."

            "It scares me that you appear to have thought about this a lot," Remus muttered edging away from Sirius.  "Really, I'm wondering how truthful you were in your statement in the last chapter."


	6. Sirius Black is a Pirate

**Chapter Six: Sirius Black is a Pirate**

            "Arrr," Sirius said, in what he thought to be a menacing tone.  "_Sea turtles._"

            "_Sirius_," Remus said, exasperated, "that girl said you looked like Johnny Depp, not that you're a friggin' pirate!  Stop saying that already!"

            "I _am _a pirate," Sirius insisted, "and who is this 'Johnny Depp'?"

            "Where have _you _been lately?" Remus asked, amazed.  "He's this guy who played a pirate in a movie; teen girls love him!"

            "_Well_," Sirius smirked, "_all _girls love _me_!  Put _that _in your potion and drink it!"

            "I really _must _keep my Sugar Quills away from that man," Remus muttered.


	7. Sirius Black Watches Pirates of the Cari...

_A/N: I only added Draco to this because, according to **Sirius Lover for Life**'s story **Draco Demented**, Draco watches Muggle movies. _

_Happy now, **S.L.f.L.?**_

**Chapter 7: Sirius Black Watches Pirates of the ****Caribbean**** With Draco Malfoy and Remus Lupin**

"Elizabeth is _hot_," Sirius whispered to Draco Malfoy, who was sitting beside him in the back of the movie theatre. "I'm getting an erection just _looking _at her!"

"_Too much information_," Remus, who was on the other side of Sirius, whispered back.

"_Really_!" Sirius continued, oblivious to his friend's discomfort. "Look!"

"_No way_," Draco hissed. "I'm trying to watch the movie, you **idiot**!"

"But _Draco_," Sirius complained, "it's _irritating_!"

"Just go to the _bathroom_, Padfoot," Remus pleaded. "We're trying to _watch_ this!"

"**Fine**," Sirius grumbled, standing up, pushing past a few very angry movie-goers, and walking to the bathrooms.

The men's bathroom, as usual, was completely packed. As Sirius walked in, hands covering his private area, he couldn't help but notice that everyone was staring at him.

"**Dude**," a hippie-looking man said to Sirius, "were you watching Pirates of the Caribbean?"

"Yeah," Sirius replied, relieved. "Did you have this problem, too?"

"Sure did," the man replied. "You don't have to be ashamed of it; I heard Johnny Depp turns _tons _of straight men on…"

"No, it was-" Sirius began, but the man interrupted him.

"_Really_, you don't have to explain," the man assured him. "It was that island scene, wasn't it? That gets me _every time_." Sirius, forgetting his boner for the moment, left the bathroom as quickly as possible.

"Hey, man!" the hippie shouted after him. "I have some pictures of him if you want any!"

Sirius made a subconscious decision not to tell Remus about anything that had just occurred.


	8. Sirius Black Wears a Man Skirt

_A/N: Please note that a man-skirt is a skirt that men wear, kind of like a kilt or something. I think. **No**, I did **not **make man-skirts up. I heard about them in a TV show. So **there**._

**Chapter Eight: Sirius Black Wears a Man-Skirt**

"Sirius, _what _are you wearing?" Harry Potter asked his godfather in horror. "Is that…_a dress_?!"

"_No_", Sirius replied tediously, with the facial expressions of a man who had been asked about dresses one too many times. "It's a _skirt_, Harry. A _man-skirt_". There was an uncomfortable silence that stretched for minutes, and then:

"Is that anything like man-boobs?" Harry questioned, looking deadly serious. "'Cause they both have 'man' in them and men really aren't supposed to have either of them…'ya know…"

Sirius, slowly and deliberately, mooned Harry and walked away.


	9. Sirius Black Watched Goldmember

_A/N: I just recently watched **Austin Powers in Goldmember **for the first time. It was **hi-friggin'-larious**. _

**Chapter Nine: Sirius Black Watched "Goldmember"**

"Moony," Sirius asked somberly, "do you have a goldmember?"

"A _goldmember_?" Remus replied in confusion.

"Yes," Sirius clarified, "a _goldmember_."

"No, I can't say that I do," Remus stated, looking quite disturbed.

"_Well_," Sirius returned, "you stole my mojo!"

"Your _mojo_?" Remus repeated yet again. "What in the hell does 'mojo' mean?"

"_Welllllll_," Sirius began slowly, "it's…er…um…WELL, OBVIOUSLY **YOU** WOULD KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU _STOLE_ MINE!!!"

Remus blinked.

"Shagidellic, baby," Sirius snapped, stalking away.


	10. Sirius Black Most Certainly Does NOT Hav...

_A/N: As my mother would say, this story is apparently full of "adolescent" humor. Call me crazy, but, in my opinion, man-crushes and boners are never-ending sources of amusement. They're like the gifts that keep on giving! _

**Chapter 10: Sirius Black Most Certainly Does _Not_ Have a Man-Crush on Johnny Depp!**

One day, Sirius was randomly hanging out at Remus's house when a letter suddenly arrived for him. Grabbing it from the brown barn owl that was carrying it, Sirius opened it and gasped in horror.

"Dear Fellow Johnny Depp Man-Crush-er," Sirius read,

"I didn't catch if you wanted those Johnny Depp pictures I was talking about, but here they are. The first one is shirtless; just _look_ at him! I'm straight, but I'm not ashamed to say that Johnny makes me hot, if you know what I mean. By the way, if you want any more pictures, just use 'Google'. It's easy!

Sincerely,

The guy from the men's bathrooms"

"Hey, Sirius, what's that?" Remus asked, taking the letter from his stunned friend. "Oh, boy…er…what is this _about_, exactly?"

"Nothing!" Sirius insisted. "This guy just got the wrong idea; it was Elizabeth, not Jack…oh, never mind." Remus never looked at Sirius the same way again.


	11. Sirius Black and the Incredibly Cliched ...

**Chapter 11: Sirius Black and the Incredibly Clichéd Chapter**

"Sirius!" the black-haired woman shouted, running up to him. "Sirius! It's me, Melinda; remember?"

"Who?" Sirius asked, positive that he had never seen this woman before. "And how do you know my name?"

"How _couldn't_ I?" Melinda chuckled, falling into step with Sirius. "I was only screaming it all ni-"

"**Stop**," Sirius interrupted. "Stop right there. Is there something that I should know?"

"Yes," Melinda replied, taking a deep breath. "Sirius, you're a father."

"Maybe he's a father, but he's not the father of _your_ child," an indignant voice called from behind Melinda. Sirius was horrified to realize that the voice belonged to a _man_.

"What are you _talking_ about?" Melinda snapped, turning around to face the nameless man. "You're a guy! Men don't _have_ kids!"

"You're just prejudiced against vampires," the man returned. He stepped out from behind Melinda and revealed himself to be…**Snape**. "How _are_ you, Siri, darling?" Sirius couldn't say a _word_.

**-------------------**

"I _hate_ you, Black," Snape sobbed an hour later. "How can you deny being the father of Severus Junior?"

"Well," Sirius replied, "first off, men don't get pregnant."

"That's what _I_ told him," Melinda screeched, "but did he listen to me? Nooo…"

"Shut the hell up, Melinda," Sirius sighed. "Now, secondly, I would _never_ name my son Severus Junior. I mean, if I ever happened to somehow get you pregnant, the resulting child's name would be _Sirius_ Junior. Not Severus. _No way_."

"You little **bitch**," Snape snapped, inadvertently revealing his long, pointed fangs. "Oh, guess what? I'm a vampire!"

"Yeah," Melinda replied sarcastically, "I got that idea when you said, and I quote, 'You're just prejudiced against vampires' earlier."

"Damn you," Snape spat, stalking away, his long robes gliding behind him. "Damn you to **HELL**!"

"Wouldn't…_doing it_ with Severus be awfully painful?" Melinda asked in confusion after Severus was gone. "I mean, with the fangs and all…"

"Just shut up about that, okay?" Sirius asked, looking incredibly disturbed. "It's bad enough that Snape obviously fantasizes about…_doing it_ with me; I really don't want to think about what it would _feel_ like." And Sirius, just about ready to lose his lunch, started walking away.

"WAIT!" Melinda shouted after him. "WHAT ABOUT MELINDA JUNIOR?"

"Tell her to go jump off a cliff," Sirius muttered. "Not that she's real…"

**THREE YEARS LATER**

"Dear Daddy," Sirius read in horror,

"Mommy told me that you said I should 'go jump off a cliff'; I'm not really sure why you would want me to do that…"


	12. Chapter 12: Sirius Black’s Amazing Groce...

**A/N: **I wrote this during math class, which I have early in the morning, so it's kinda freaky. This is, obviously, dedicated to Laura. She knows who she is. Duh. By the way, there's a tiny **Secret Window** reference in this; try to find it!

**Chapter 12: Sirius Black's Amazing Grocery Store Adventure**

One day, Sirius came to a disturbing conclusion. The green, fuzzy stuff on the roast beef that he was keeping under his bed was, in fact, mold. Sirius had only one choice: he had to go to the Muggle grocery store and get more. So, pulling out the small amount of Muggle money that he kept around for emergencies, like toilet paper and beer runs, Sirius ran outside and quickly Apparated to the store.

Sirius rushed into the store and made a beeline for the deli counter.

"Yes?" the old, craggy woman behind the counter asked. "Whaddya want?"

"I need some roast-" Sirius began, but was interrupted by the shriek of the girl standing behind him.

"SIRIUS!" she cried as he spun around to face her. "My horoscope for today _said_ I'd meet someone new…"

"O-oh," Sirius stuttered. "That's nice…"

"My name's Laura," Laura stated, sticking out her hand. "And I already know who _you_ are…"

"I bet you do," Sirius muttered, taking his meat from the woman behind the counter. "It was nice to meet you, but I really must be going…"

"No!" Laura insisted, grabbing his arm. "Don't go!"

"I really _do_ have to," Sirius repeated, starting to lose his patience now.

"NO!" Laura screamed insanely. "IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU, _NOBODY CAN!_" And, with that, she pulled out a gun and shot him. Thankfully, Sirius had done a trusty Bullet-Repelling Spell before leaving home, so he didn't die.

"Always happy to meet a fan," he muttered as he retreated from the stunned girl. "Even if she _is_ crazy."


	13. Sirius Black is NOT the Godfather!

**A/N: **It had to happen at some point…

**Chapter 13: Sirius Black is NOT the "Godfather"!**

"I have the cannoli that you asked for," Luigi said, voice trembling.

"What?" Sirius asked, eying the little man. "I never asked for cannoli…"

"Yes, you did," Luigi insisted. "You told me to get it for you or you'd whack me!"

"Seriously," Sirius repeated, "I never asked for any freakin' cannoli. I don't even know who you are!"

"I'm Luigi!" Luigi stated. "You know who I am, boss!"

"Boss?" Sirius asked. "Oh, wait…you think I'm the 'Godfather', don't you?"

"Of course!" Luigi returned. "Don't tell me you've forgotten…what have they _done_ to you, Frankie?!"

"I'm not Frankie, I'm Sirius," Sirius sighed. "And I'm **a** godfather, not **the** 'Godfather'."

"…Oh," Luigi replied, embarrassed. "My bad." And, with that, Luigi walked away.

**"I'll take the cannoli if you don't want it!"** Sirius shouted after him.

**"Not on your life, dog-boy!"** Luigi screamed back. Sirius subconsciously decided that the next time someone mistook him being the 'Godfather' and wanted to give him cannoli, he'd take it.


	14. Sirius Black Eats Carbs!

**A/N: **I am carbs' #1 fan.

**Chapter 14: Sirius Black Eats Carbs (!)**

"You know," Sirius's doctor said to him at his physical, "you could drop ten pounds if you stopped eating carbs."

"Yeah," Sirius acknowledged, "but why would I want to?"

"So you could appear to be anorexic and malnourished like all the models do, of course!" the doctor replied matter-of-factly.

"I repeat," Sirius responded, "why would I want to?"

**PASTA IS YOUR FRIEND, KIDS.**


	15. Sirius Black's Insults Suck

**Chapter 15: Sirius Black's Insults _Suck_**

****

"You ugly git," Lucius Malfoy snarled at (considerably younger, still-at-school) Sirius Black. "Just _looking _at you makes me want to jump off a cliff."

"Yeah?" Sirius asked with a scowl on his face. "Well…_your mum_."

"My mum _what?_" Lucius asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion and twirling his ever-present pimp cane (which really isn't there in the books but is strangely amusing, anyway).

"Just…your mum," Sirius replied, embarrassed.

"Did you seriously just say that?!" Lucius responded, disturbed.

"Yes," Sirius said. "Yes, I did."

"No wonder everyone says you're a freak," Lucius muttered, walking away.

"Your dad!" Sirius screamed after him. "Your cousin! Your…UNCLE'S GRANDMOTHER'S SISTER-IN-LAW'S SON, TWICE-REMOVED!"

"Nope," Lucius shouted back, "that still sucked."


	16. Sirius Black Truly Despises Johnny Depp

**Chapter 16: Sirius Black Truly Despises Johnny Depp-Really, He Does**

_or_

**The** Not-So**-Dramatic Chapter**

"Sirius," Remus said, "tell me the truth. Do you or do you not have a crush on Johnny Depp?"

"I don't!" Sirius insisted. "Really, Remus! I don't go that way, you know?"

"Yeah, that's what _I_ thought," Remus replied, "but then there was the movie…and the boner…and the letter…and the pictures…I really just don't _know_ anymore, Padfoot."

"C'mon, Moony," Sirius sighed. "It's like you don't even know me!"

"Maybe I don't, Sirius," Remus replied dramatically, wiping away a tear that had escaped from his eye. _"Maybe I don't."_


	17. Laura, Most Certainly, Loves Sirius Blac...

**A/N: **Sorry for the incredible amount of inside jokes in this "chapter", but Laura's been begging to guest-star again and I know she wouldn't let up on me 'till I wrote this. Too bad for you!

**Chapter 17: Laura (Most Certainly) Loves Sirius Black More Than She ****Loves Dr.**** Evil, Even Though Dr. Evil Was a PRISONER _(and not just in jail)_ and Sirius…Was, Too, but Dr. Evil's Incarceration Was More or Less Recent. Or Something. **

"Hellooooo, Sirius," Laura-who-you-don't-know-but-I-do said in a very annoying voice that she reserved for use with prisoners (and Sirius Black, apparently). "How've you been?"

"…Alriiiiight," Sirius replied, eyeing the girl paranoid-ly. He was feeling so paranoid, in fact, that the author had to invent a new word to describe the extent of said paranoia.

"Have you met my friend, Dr. Evil?" Laura asked poor Sirius. "He went to evil medical school, you know."

"Yes, I did," the not-so-inscrutable doctor agreed, "but I'm not your friend, Lesley."

"It's Laura," Laura replied.

"No, it's not," Dr. Evil said. "What's your name again, dog-man-thing?"

"Sirius," Sirius responded, trying not to stare at the crazy bald man. "Sirius Black."

"Is he evil?" Dr. Evil asked Laura.

"No, he's not, actually," Laura said, a bit too proudly. "He's _good_."

"How do you _know_ that I'm good?" Sirius asked sleazily, completely walking into the author's perverted joke.

"I have my ways," Laura winked.

"Hey, now," Dr. Evil complained, "stop with the thinly-veiled sexual banter. I may have a small amount of mojo now, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to you two freaks talking about…that."

"You're supposed to let me talk about whatever I want to," Laura sneered. "This is _my _chapter, not yours."

"How 'bout **no**," Dr. Evil snapped. "I'm out." And then- "I have henceforth sworn revenge on Ellen, the author of this abomination." And, finally, he _really_ left.

"That 'evil medical school' must've messed with that guy's mind," Sirius muttered.

"Tell me about it," Laura agreed. "What a freak."

Little did Sirius know that Laura was lying to herself about her feelings concerning Dr. Evil…


	18. Laura Really Doesn’t Love Dr Evil, Despi...

**A/N: **Just a quick note for you guys:   
Laura, in case you're stupid or don't believe me, is an actual person. She's _SiriusLoverForLife _and, obviously, a Sirius Black fanatic. Sadly, she's just as crazy in real life as she is in this story. She also got me addicted to _Austin Powers_, hence the Dr. Evil obsession. She has nothing to do with my Johnny Depp obsession, however.

**Chapter Eighteen: Laura Really Doesn't Love Dr. Evil (Despite The Fact That She Does), Even Though He Was a Frickin' Prisoner And Laura Loves Prisoners-No, I Don't Know Why   
**_or   
_**Sirius Black Is Not Jealous Of Dr. Evil, No Matter What Said Doctor Thinks**

"Really, Sirius, I don't love Dr. Evil; I promise!" Laura vowed. "I only love you!"

"Well," Sirius replied, "can't you _start _loving this Dr. Evil guy? Having you hanging around my place all the time is getting kind of annoying."

"I thought you _liked _having me around!" Laura responded, shocked.

"No," Sirius drawled. "I don't."

That night, Laura threw herself off of the top of the Astronomy Tower, despite the fact that she didn't go to Hogwarts. The world rejoiced.


	19. Sirius Black Does NOT Like

**A/N: **Revenge is sweet, _SLfL. _

**Chapter 19: Sirius Black Does _Not_ Like Velvet Revolver**

"Really, I don't know why you like them," Sirius said to Laura. "Their songs all sound the same."

"They do not!" Laura, the horoscope-reading, bad-music-listening, Orlando-Bloom-loving freak, replied. "And, besides, Scott Weiland is _hot_."

"I hope you don't expect me to agree," Sirius shuddered.

"Why not?" Laura asked.

"Because I like girls," Sirius, disturbed, responded.

"Oh, yeah," Laura said. "I forgot."

The moral of the story? Bad rock music rots your brain.


	20. Sirius Black Watches Pirates of the Cari...

**Chapter 20: Sirius Black Sees _Pirates of the _****_Caribbean-_****Yes, Again**

"Hey, Moony," Sirius hissed to the man sitting beside him in the movie theatre. "Why wasn't the little girl allowed to see the pirate movie?"

"I don't know, Padfoot," Remus said tediously. "Why not."

"Because it was rated 'arrrrr'!" Sirius whispered, suppressing giggles.

"Shut _up, _Sirius!" Remus sighed. "You've told me that one twice already!"

"And yet you _still _don't know the punch-line," Sirius smirked. Remus rolled his eyes.


	21. Sirius Black and the Horribly Long Title...

**A/N: **Okay, so here's the story. _SiriusLoverForLife _totally wrote me a Jack/Elizabeth (**PotC**) story, entitled **Rose**, so, in return, I am now writing her some "good" **Sirius-ly!** chapters. This is very hard for me, if you must know. I like torturing her in this. Bear with me; the horror will be over soon.

**Chapter 21: Sirius Black and the Horribly Long Title That Has Absolutely No Relevance to Anything**

"Hey, Remus," Sirius said to his best friend. "Wanna be the best man at my wedding?"

"What wedding?" Remus questioned. "You're not _drunk_, are you?"

"No!" Sirius replied indignantly. "Well...not much. But I'm marrying Laura; we got engaged yesterday."

"Laura?" Remus asked in surprise. "That creepy stalker-chick?"

_"Yes," _Sirius sighed, "but I seem to have fallen in love with her somehow. The wedding's today; Ellen's making brownies."

"I like brownies," Remus stated. "I'm in."

"Awesome!" Sirius replied happily. "Now, I just need to find a cheap tuxedo..."


	22. Sirius Black's Wedding

**Chapter 22: Sirius Black's Wedding**

Sirius Black arrived at the church an hour late. If asked, he would attribute this to nervousness and the inability to find a cheap tuxedo that fit him, but, in reality, said lateness was caused by one too many bottles of Firewhiskey and a bachelor party gone horribly wrong. But-never fear!-Sirius eventually arrived, wearing a light-blue tux and too much hair gel. Everyone but Laura held back sniggers.

"Sirius!" Laura shouted, "you're finally here!"

"Yes, I am!" Sirius shouted back, still standing in the entrance of the church. "If asked, I would attribute this to nervousness and the inability to find a cheap tuxedo that fits me, but, in reality, said lateness was caused by one too many bottles of Firewhiskey and a bachelor party gone horribly wrong! Er...sorry?"

"It's alright!" Laura screamed. "Get over here!" And, so, he went.

One agonizing hour later, Sirius and Laura were married.

"This means I can't pick up hot chicks anymore, right?" Sirius asked his new wife.

"Yeeeeah," Laura nodded. "That's what being married implies; yep."

"Oh," Sirius said sadly. "Shoot." One Imperious curse later, though, Sirius was quite happy about not being able to pick up babes.


	23. Sirius Black and Laura's Honeymoon

**Chapter 23: Sirius Black and Laura's "Honeymoon"**

"Sirius!" Laura screamed, pulling the car out of the parking-lot. "When I said we needed to get some money, I didn't mean you should rob a bank!"

"But it was fun, right?" Sirius asked loudly over the police-car sirens. "And, as long as we don't get caught and thrown in jail for life, we can buy a small house with this!"

"That's true," Laura began. "But _really, _darling, that was quite irresponsible. And Ellen's gonna be really mad that we didn't bring her on our crime spree..."

"Too bad for her," Sirius cackled. "We're rich! Or...not poor, at least."

"I love you," Laura said adoringly.

"I love you, too," Sirius grinned. Alas, their car exploded at precisely that moment, killing them both.

Just kidding.

They lived happily, and defiantly, ever after. The end. (Or _is_ it?)


	24. Sirius Black and The Last Manly Man

**A/N: **_The Last Manly Man_ is real; I found it at the library book sale the other day. The (wo)man on the cover looked like a very muscular, semi-womanly Tarzan. I seriously couldn't tell his/her gender.  
Scary, yes?

**

* * *

****Chapter 24: Sirius Black and _The Last Manly Man_**

"Hey, Prongs!" Sirius shouted across the library, running over to his friend. "Look what I found!" He held out a copy of a comic book-type thing to James.

"_The Last Manly Man_?" James read, sounding rather disturbed. "What the hell is this?"

"I dunno, mate," Sirius replied, "but the guy on the cover looks kind of like a manly chick, doesn't he?"

"Yeah!" Peter, who had been lurking behind James, chirped in. "I'd bang her, though."

"You're a sick man, Wormtail," James chuckled. "How 'bout you, Padfoot? Would _you_ do her?"

"How do you know it's a _her_?" Sirius asked, stalling. "As I said before, she looks rather masculine."

"_Yeah_," Remus interjected, "but if she _did_ happen to be a girl, would you do her?"

"Would _you_?" Sirius questioned.

"Stop stalling, Sirius!" James snapped. "Tell us – yes or no?" Sirius remained silent and began to blush.

"You already _have_, haven't you?" James smirked knowingly. "How the hell did _that_ happen?"

"I was drunk!" Sirius insisted, embarrassed. "She looked like Angelina Jolie, what with the room spinning and all, so I-"

"Stop right there," Peter interrupted. "Too much information."

"Her voice sounded like my grandfather's," Sirius continued, oblivious to everyone's disgust. "She called me Frank."

Remus kicked him in the crotch, and the three friends left, leaving Sirius to his pain and freakish memories.


End file.
